Big families as status symbols, take eighty-seven

Another story about competitive mothering, only now, with a twist! This NPR story indicates that four is, in fact, the new two, in large part because women are becoming "competitive birthers", gestating and delivering as many children as they can in order to keep up with the Joneses!

Granted, I don't live in the same communities or run in the same circles as the women featured in this article, but I can't help but wonder if this particular trend is based on fact or somebody's notion of why people are having big families. There's a big difference, to my mind, between bigger families becoming more common, or even acceptable, in certain circles, and the idea that people are actually having children as "status symbols", or "the newest fashion accessory". I guess I just give most people more credit than that. Even if they are influenced by peer pressure, this Pollyanna doesn't believe that most mothers are so shallow as to go through the exhausting process of pregnancy, birth, nursing, and raising more kids than she truly wants, just to "keep up". Could it be instead that there's a real biological urge to have kids, and that once you're in a community where having more kids is accepted, women are more likely to give in to that desire?

For myself, the answer doesn't really matter. The world of million-dollar homes, full-time nannies or even $15,000/year spent on lessons and sports is so foreign to me--and most mothers I know--that it's barely even worth contemplating. (For a hilarious reality check, read this blogger's take on the NPR article.) And personally, I care a whole lot less about the "why" people are having more kids. The numbers are as personal and as unique as the reason ANYONE has kids, of any number. I'm much more interested in the "Okay, now I've got 'em--how do I feed, clothe, shelther, teach, love, discipline, and clean up after them?" part. Which is what my book is all about. 

Hopefully, parents with big families will find it helpful, whether they got that way through hard work trying to birth as many kids as their next-door neighbor, had a few "surprises", had lots of kids for religious reasons, or simply didn't feel their family was complete until they'd added the fourth...or fifth...or beyond.

P.S...for a look at how real, non-wealthy moms of more live, check out www.largerfamilies.com

Comments

[more cowbell]

Hey, nicely written. This was a good point: Could it be instead that there's a real biological urge to have kids, and that once you're in a community where having more kids is accepted, women are more likely to give in to that desire? (Of course, at that income level, the whole nanny, housecleaner, gardener thing makes it whole lot easier to give in to that desire, eh?)

I just thought the whole concept of supersized families coming about behind some peer pressure was interesting. I agree that most people wouldn't actively pop out a kid because the Smiths had one, but I'm wondering if it's even a conscious thing? There was one holdout mom in the article (1 child) who admitted feeling the pressure, and another woman said she thought that was part of it, but that no one would ever admit that. I'm thinking that if the peer pressure thing came into play, most likely those moms would ascribe it to some other reason -- like the pressure could lead to you thinking it might be nice to have another girl or whatever.

Great site -- I'm encouraged by your March post that suggests motherhood may be increasing my brainpower. Lord knows I deserve that after all these stretchmarks.

[more cowbell]

(Hey sorry, the HTML for italics didn't work here, so your quote didn't get italiced. I'd have put quote marks around it if I'd known.)

[Lorraine]

Hi Meagan. Figured I'd stop in since you and Cowbell had such a civilized Blogopian exchange over at her place.

I didn't hear the NPR piece CB cited but read the articles and I do think that the point she was making was that parenthood isn't such a challenge if you have a fleet of professionals hired to do the actual parenting. I've known people like that and am surprised they even bother breeding if they don't want to be troubled with the little critters.

As a side note,when I was growing up my family was an anomoly because we went to a Mennonite church and at 4 kids, our family was freakishly small.

[Meagan Francis]

Cowbell & Lorraine, thanks for stopping by. Cowbell, I addressed your point over in the comments at your blog. Here's what I said:

"I think you might have nailed it exactly, at least for some of the moms they're talking about. I mean, aren't our society's childbearing "habits", if you will, always shaped somewhat by what other people are doing? People didn't suddenly stop having big families and start having one or two en masse just because they each made an individual decision that X was the perfect number of kids for them. A lot of other factors come into play, and how acceptable your family's size will be to the people around you is certainly one of them, based on what I've heard from other moms. So I can see how if you were able to hire full time nanny/ies (sweet lord!) and easily pay for all the extras, and you were at home annnyway, and everybody around you was having more, you might go for it. I think what bothered me the most about the NPR piece was the use of words like "fashion accessory"."

Lorraine, I think that's part of the story, and I get frustrated with the "fashion accessory" version of motherhood too, where you can easily keep your lipstick fresh and 'do perfect because you never actually, yannow, DO anything with your kids. But I think what bothers me is ascribing an entire trend to it, yk? It just seems like yet another way to slam moms in general and make us look ridiculous, when really, I'm guessing the number of people who would truly continue to give birth solely for competition's sake and then completely turn all those children over to the care of others is relatively small. But like I said, I'm kind of a Pollyanna!

Thanks for stopping by, this is a really interesting discussion! I'm relieved to think, at least, that I probably don't have to worry about being accused of having lots of kids as a fashion accessory. If you ever see the rumpled, unstylish, messy bunch of us all out in public together you'll know what I'm talking about.

[Jane]

Here's another great take on the issue, from an awesomely snarky non-breeder: http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2007/08/06/big_families/index.html

[Meagan Francis]

Thanks Jane, I read it and was inspired to comment!

[morecowbell]

Hey Meagan, this actually prompted me to do a bit of editing on my post -- adding that I find it interesting that whether it's in the boardroom, the bedroom, or the minivan, it seems to be about women having to prove their worth at whatever they do. Notice there's nothing said about the men, the fathers, in these articles. What, these moms popped those babies out through asexual reproduction?

[SheilaBD/xiaolinmama]

Meagan,
What a great post! I was just talking to my sister about this. My sister is about to have her third and plans on 4, I've sent her to your blog and will buy your book when it comes out!
Great meeting you at BLogHer!

[Bethany]

I find that SO interesting! It has made me wonder as I look around and notice how very trendy it has seem to become to he kids, but then I wonder if maybe I just notice it more being it this part of my life. I think there is a combination of a lot of things that makes it seem as women are having more children. 1) I think the age bracket for having kids has expanded so much now. I know for people like me who start young (which use to be the "norm") find themselves at age 30 surrounded by people just starting their families so it seems normal to be doing that as well. 2) I think living in a age where the internet makes it easy to connect with others that have large families make those that want them seem less "weird". I know that was big for me after I had #4 and the thought of never having another baby made me so sad but the thought of not stopping made me wonder what people would think of me. It is easier to not care what others think when you know you are not alone. 3) I wonder if it may just be a generational thing, kind of like how every few decades clothing comes back into style, maybe having large families is simply "in" now since that is what our grandparents had and maybe our children will follow in our parents footsteps with the smaller familiy (or vice versa, depending on what you came from. I also don't wonder if maybe some of that is true but not in the same sense as competing per su but I read these chat boards of women sharing with one another in their charts, TTC, getting their + test and every milestone along the way of their pregnancy and I can't help but wonder if this just simply makes it more fun. I know I have longed for my husband to share in every step of creating life with me but some how I think men most often fall short of this but your girlfriend going through it with you at the same time can truly relate. So maybe for some it is a matter of competing and for others it is just a sense of belonging. Maybe we have found a way to comfortably give in to a natural urge inside of us. I know it seems for me the more children I have the more I want, I like to jokingly say after 4 I am finally getting good at it.

[Heather]

It's funny that I came across this post today. Yesterday I was thinking about why some families are opting to have more children when it seems they leave the responsibility of raising them to someone else. Out of 10 or so moms gathered at our moms club meeting yesterday, 2 of them had brought nannies along with them. As I sat by myself with my kids (more than either of the nanny families had) I wondered why some families keep having children? If I could afford a full-time nanny, you'd be darn sure I'd be spending that money on a maid instead!

[Meagan Francis]

Sheila, thanks for stopping by! It was fantastic to meet you.

Bethany, excellent analysis, I totally agree on all counts, and I do think that it's only logical that after a decline there will be an increase in birth rates.

Heather, I can see your point, but (coming from somebody who's used very little child care and has never had a nanny!) I'm not sure if it's fair to judge unless we know what's happening in those people's homes all the time. At least the mom actually came to the group, and didn't send the nanny in her place! I'm not sure how using help--unless it's truly all day and all night--is leaving the responsibility of raising kids to somebody else. There's a lot that goes into parenting and hiring some help doesn't negate that. (though as somebody who's never had that luxury, I do find it kind of amusing when somebody can't seem to manage a simple outing with a couple of kids).